


Roll to Punch Kira

by MajorGodComplex



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Adventure, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Friendship, Game Night, Gen, I don't even know what else to tag this with y'all it's a trip, Matt DM's and he does his best considering his party is composed of only Mello and Near, Wammy House
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 17:19:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14675820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorGodComplex/pseuds/MajorGodComplex
Summary: The Alphabet Orphan Squad plays Dungeons & Dragons.They aren't very good at it.





	Roll to Punch Kira

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a wammy centric fic so we'll see how it goes, but I've wanted to write the three of them playing DND for ages and now I finally got around to it.

“What the fuck do you mean I can’t play a chaotic evil character?” Mello glared at Matt, as if daring him not to change his mind. “This is bullshit. It’s my campaign.” 

“Actually,” Matt responded, as patient with Mello as always. “This is my campaign, and you aren’t playing a chaotic evil character because I don’t want evil aligned characters in my campaign.” 

That’s when Mello pulled out the gun. Matt merely sighed. Of course. This again.

“Mello, if you could please put down the gun, that would be excellent.” 

“I’m playing a chaotic evil character,” Mello said, now pushing his chair back and standing in the middle of the small little room. 

Near rolled his eyes, moving his legs up onto his chair and readjusting his position to get a better look at Mello’s meltdown. 

“You’re playing a chaotic neutral character at worst,” Matt responded, crossing his arms and remaining unbothered by the gun aimed at his head. 

“Chaotic evil.”

“Chaotic neutral.”

“Chaotic evil.”

“Chaotic neutral.”

“Can Mello just choose something so that we can start?” Near interrupted. “It’s been over half an hour. I have better things I could be doing.” 

Mello glared at Near, lowering his gun as his attention moved away from Matt. Matt pulled out a cigarette and lit it, leaning back in his chair. 

“I managed to choose my alignment immediately with absolutely no resistance,” Near added, apparently unable to stop himself from stoking the flames. 

“Yeah, that’s because you’re playing objectively the worst and most boring alignment,” Mello spat back, as if those words actually had any chance of wounding Near. 

“Lawful good is only the most boring alignment if you’re a boring player.” Near smiled at his own words, if you could even call it a smile. “If you don’t know how to play lawful good it’s your own fault as a player unable to create a complex character with a decent moral compass, not the fault of the game.” 

Matt knew Mello was about to snap. Perhaps he would even aim the gun at Near this time. He knew he should step in, considering Mello aiming a gun at Near again would almost certainly mean he would have to go get Roger to pull them apart, and that would be a whole ordeal. They probably wouldn’t even be able to finish the campaign, let alone start it. 

Near was right, not that he’d ever say that to Mello. 

This was just supposed to be a nice, simple, two person one-shot to test out his home-brew abilities, but he really should have known from the beginning what he was getting himself into. As if Mello and Near could actually play nice for three hours. 

And yet, as if by some miracle from heaven above, Mello lowered the gun and let out an angry huff, throwing himself dramatically back into his chair again after his long stare down with Near.

“I’m playing a chaotic neutral rogue.”

“Thank you,” Matt said, jotting it down in his notes. 

This was about to be a long, long game.

* * *

 

“Can I roll to stare into the void?” Near asked. 

“Can...can you what?” Matt said, knowing he’d heard Near perfectly. 

“I want to stare into the void. Can I roll to stare into the--”

“You don’t have to roll.” Matt cut him off, “You can just stare into it.”

“I think he should roll,” Mello chimed in. “Maybe he’ll crit fail and fall in.”

“He doesn’t need to-”

“I rolled a 15.” 

Near stared into the void. Matt looked down at the arc he had planned, praying to gods he didn’t believe in that they wouldn’t fuck this part up like they had the pyramid scheme. 

“I would like to roll to intimidate the void itself.” 

Matt should say no. Matt should really, really say no. Instead, he stared down at the impossible number Near would need to get to actually intimidate the void, weighed his options, and resigned himself to the fact that everything would probably be a whole lot easier if he just let Near do what he wanted. 

“If you crit fail, you’ll fall in.” He said, hoping to scare Near off. “I’m not sure what you’re hoping to accomplish by attempting to intimidate the void.”

“Fall in! Fall in! Fall in! Fall in!” Mello had begun a chant, and it didn’t sound like he was going to stop any time soon.

The three of them held their breath as Near began to roll. If he rolled low enough, he’d have to create an entirely new character. The die finally left Near’s hand, rolling a bit before coming to a stop right in front of Matt.

Nat 20. He knew dice rolling was pure luck, but damn it, Near was the luckiest son of a bitch in the whole world. 

“So what happens?” He asked, looking up at Matt in an expressionless sort of expectation that chilled Matt to his core. 

“So...the eldritch monster that dwells in the void drew back in horror. He will not attack.”

“Excellent,” Near said, “I walk across the bridge.” 

* * *

 

The time had come. After hours of playtime, Matt had managed to carefully, oh so carefully, set up the game precisely for this moment. He took a deep breath. He prepared his ogre voice. Just as the pun of the century was about to leave his lips, Mello spoke.

“It’s all 0gre for you now!” Mello shouted. 

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!” Matt yelled, picking up the ogre figurine from the table and throwing it across the room. “Really Mello? Three hours of set-up for that pun and you take it straight out of my mouth?”

“Well I’m sorry I have a quicker wit than you, Matt.”

“You piece of rotti--”

“Does a 20 hit?” Near interrupted, looking at Matt expectantly. 

“Of course a 20 hit,” Mello said, not even giving Matt the chance to answer.  “Of-fucking-course a 20 hits, there’s absolutely no need to ask if a 20 hits. The only reason you would even ask if a 20 hits is to show off the fact that you rolled a nat 20.”

“I guess you could call it a….. _ Nate _ 20.”  Matt’s pun went ignored. He sighed, then turned to Near. “A 20 hits, and also, you two know you’re on the same team, right?” 

They both looked up at him, blinking with empty eyes as if they honestly and truly could not comprehend the concept of being on the same team. 

* * *

 

“As you walk through the forest, Near begins to hear a noise rustling in some of the bushes. Mello hears the sound as well, but since he rolled higher on perception he also sees the direction it’s coming from. It seems to be walking through the bushes almost alongside you, but neither of you can make out exactly what it is. What do you do?” Matt looked between Near and Mello, waiting for them to do something dumb again. 

“I call out to him,” Mello said, “And I demand that he comes out and speak to us immediately, or face judgment.” 

“Roll to intimidate.” 

Mello rolled, looking down at his 13 with a grin. “13 plus 5 is 18...18. Does he come out?”

“From out of the bushes, crawls a creature--”

“I draw my sword,” Near said in a bored voice. 

“--Of about medium height--”

“I draw my rapier,” Mello said.

“--And the creature barks at you.” Matt finished his description with a smile as the others erupted. 

Mello stood from his chair. “Are you kidding me? It’s just a dog? I rolled an 18 just to intimidate a dog?” 

At this point, Matt should have just suggested Mello did away with his chair altogether. What would be the point of sitting down again if he was going to keep jumping up to yell at him every five seconds anyway? Just a dog? Just? Mello had no faith in his DMing abilities, it appeared. 

For that, he must perish. 

Matt rolled five dice, writing things down every time he rolled. He noticed Mello trying to peep over his screen, and smiled a bit. He didn't need to be taking that long at all, but the longer he kept them in suspense the better. 

“Can I cast detect magic?” Near asked.

“Sure,” Matt said, “It’s just dripping with dark, dark magic.” 

“Shit,” Mello said, eyes widening as he finally realized it wasn't just going to be a normal dog. “This isn’t just going to be a normal dog, is it?” 

Matt started to laugh the loud, beautiful, gorgeously maniacal laugh he’d practiced in the mirror that morning, but before he had a chance to say “roll initiative,” Near was already four steps ahead with a plan. Like always. 

“I have animal handling and I want to roll to pacify.”

“You’re going to need a--”

Near rolled. A nat 20. Again. 

“--The dog stops barking.” 

“Excellent,” Near said, “I pull fruit out of my bag and attempt to call it over.”

“Roll again.”

“16 plus 3 for animal handling, so a 19.”

“The dog comes to you.” 

Mello was beginning to get antsy. He’d been itching for a fight since they’d wrapped things up with that ogre, and it seemed like he was going to be pissed if he couldn’t kill the dog. Sure enough, Mello spoke again.

“I pull out my sword so that I can kill it while it’s distracted by Near.”

“Roll for stealth.”

“Hey Near?” He asked, “Can I borrow your dice? Mine really seem to hate me.”

Mello must be truly desperate if he would stoop to asking Near for help. 

“If you’re planning on killing my new pet dog, absolutely not.”

Mello rolled a 4 on stealth.  

* * *

 

“You’re about to enter your final battle with just the two of you, your new pet dog, and absolutely none of the NPCs you attempted to recruit. You look at the dragon. The dragon looks at you. What do you want to do?”

“Roll to attack,” Near and Mello say in unison. 

“Does a 4 hit?” Asked Mello.

“Absolutely not.” 

“Does a 12 hit?” Asked Near. 

The lowest he’d rolled all day, and of course it was during the final boss battle. It appeared to be Matt's lucky day. 

“No, a 12 does not hit. It’s the dragon’s turn. He goes straight for Mello, since he’s closest--”

“Traitor.”

“--And rolls…”

Matt trailed off, rolling the dice before then adding the bonus. Yikes. He could already tell that it was going to be a ridiculous fight. 

“Does a 32 hit?” 

“Yes,” Mello muttered, at a volume that could barely be caught by the human ear. 

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Matt asked with a grin. 

“Yes!” He shouted. “Yes, a 32 fucking hits. Asshole.”

“Why are you calling the dragon an asshole? You’re the one who attacked it.” Matt said. 

Mello’s grip on the dice in his hands tightened. “I was talking about you.” 

“Oh.” The strong reaction from Mello wasn’t unexpected.  He rolled the dice again, immediately being able to tell that it was going to be a very short game. “He deals 47 damage.” 

“Hey Near!” Mello called, “Would you mind healing me or something? You can do that shit, right? I’m down to 5 health.” 

“Actually,” Matt said, “It has a bonus attack.”

Near’s eyes widened in genuine shock, his fictional life flashing before his eyes. 

“Near?” Matt continued, rolling the dice again, “Does a 27 hit?”

“A 27 hits.” 

“He deals 64 damage.” 

“I’m...dead. Do I roll to come back to life?” 

“No,” Matt replied, already beginning to clean up some of his stuff. “It’s necrotic damage. It was a shadow dragon. Once you’re hit with necrotic damage you’re down for good.” 

Near looked like a statue. Bested by a dragon in the final moments of the campaign, he hung his head in shame. To think, that he was alive, and Mello was--

“I crit failed.” 

Mello was absolute dead meat.

It was silence for a few seconds, with all of them waiting to see what Mello would do. They’d obviously caught on to the fact that Matt had set up this battle for them to lose, and there was no way they would be happy about it, but if Matt had to spend another two hours with these insufferable characters and their fighting, then he would give up and throw himself on his sword. 

Finally, in the most shocking plot twist of the game, Mello began to laugh. Slowly, the laughter began to catch on, and Matt couldn’t help but join in. Then Near started laughing too, and the entire room was filled with the hysterical cackling of three genius boys with too much time on their hands and no grasp of the word “teamwork.” 

And for that moment...everything kind of felt pretty alright to Matt. It almost made the whole game worth it.  

“You know,” He said after they’d all settled down. He still felt like he was coming off of a high from all the laughter, although he supposed it could also be the weed brownie he consumed forty five minutes ago finally hitting him in full force. “Maybe the real dragons were the friends we made along the way.”

“Doubtful,” Near said, packing up all 4lbs of his dice. 

“Yeah, that’s really fucking gay Matt.” 

Matt lit another cigarette. 

Almost worth it. 

**Author's Note:**

> did I crit fail?


End file.
